Here is an email exchange between Dena Evans and one of her PGC graduates that has wisdom to offer anyone reflecting back on the season they just completed. It was written addressing sadness and disappointment, but even if that’s not where you are today it has insights that can speak to everyone.
Dear Coach D,
I’m writing to share with you some feelings I’ve been having since my season came to an end. I am hoping that you will have some insights or thoughts to pass along to me.
First, let me just give you some facts about my season so you get a general overview. We finished 18-6 in the regular season. We won our first game and lost in the semi-finals to the team who won comfortably in the finals. Our game against them was a close game.
What I’m basically feeling is just a strong sense of disappointment and sadness.
Last year, I was upset that we had lost (in the first round of the playoffs), but I was able to look back on the season and I was happy about it. But this year it’s a different story. I’ve been left with that feeling of wanting more, thinking about what could have happened, or how it could have been different had we that game.
Perhaps part of it is knowing that I’ll never get the chance to play competitive basketball with some of my teammates ever again. Perhaps part of it is just missing spending time with the guys in the locker room, or out at team dinner. Either way, it’s been a tough pill to swallow for me. This year it just felt as if the dream and the goal of winning the Championship had kind of slipped through our hands, and it was really just two games away…and the fact that I think this was our best shot, is maybe irrational, but something that makes it harder.
It’s tough to really get it all out there on the page, but that’s about the best I can do as far as explaining my thoughts for now. Any words would be greatly appreciated.
Trav
Hey Trav,
First off, congrats on a GREAT season. I say “great” not because of your record or how far you got (or didn’t get) in the playoffs. The ‘congrats’ is because (based on your email and on what I know about who you are) you gave this season, your team, your coaches, your school, and yourself the very best you had to give. I realize that may sound hollow to you in this moment, but one day, when your career is over, I promise you that this will be the one thing you will be most proud of, and it’s what will give you the most peace about your career, no matter how many championships you win or don’t win.
But for now, I can totally understand and relate to everything you have said. I’ve been there. More than once…
- My senior year of high school, we lost in the game to go to “State” (a big deal in Texas because only 4 teams go). My goal since 6th grade was to win a state championship. I was devastated.
- One of the main reasons I went to UVA was to win a national championship. My sophomore year of college, after being ranked #1 most of the season, we lost to Tennessee in overtime of the national championship game. Devastated again.
- My junior year, again after being ranked #1 all season, we lost in DOUBLE OT of the national semi-finals to Stanford. Once again…devastated.
- My senior year, after all the best players on our team had graduated and I had become the unquestioned team leader, we played as the underdog all year. We made it all the way to the Elite 8 and lost to Ohio State in the game to go back to the Final Four when my coach called time out just as I was releasing the game-winning 3-pointer. I hit nothing but net as the buzzer sounded, but it was waived off because the ref said my coach called the TO with .7 seconds on the clock. That was the way my college career ended. Devastated times a thousand.
Unless you’re the team that wins the last game of the season, I have never been able to figure out how to feel anything *but* sadness and disappointment at the end of a season, at least for a while.
I think you just need to allow yourself time to grieve. The word “grieve” may sound crazy because I know it’s not like anybody died or there was any great “tragedy.” But you *have* suffered a profound loss. Your season (which you cared deeply about) is over; you will never play on this particular team (which you gave so much of yourself to for so many months) again; and you will never be high school teammates with some of those guys again (and those kinds of bonds are rare and special and hard to replicate in the “real world”).
People who have never experienced those kinds of losses can never understand just how much all of that hurts. You gave yourself completely to something, and it didn’t turn out like you wanted. And to make it even worse, now it’s gone. Over. Done. That’s hard and it hurts.
But (and this is the part you probably don’t want to hear, but it’s true so I’ll say it anyway…) that’s how life works. Everything passes. You’ll eventually lose everything—your parents, your friends, your health, your pets, your youth, and, inevitably, your life. It’s all gonna pass away, just like this season, and this team.
Which, to me, is all the more reason to give those things you love and care about everything you’ve got. It all goes by so fast, and the ONLY thing you’re guaranteed is that it WILL, in fact, go by.
This can all be pretty depressing UNLESS you just accept it as reality (because it is), and THEN you can be freed up to focus all your energy and attention on giving every single moment of the rest of your career the very best you’ve got….which brings me back to my very first point in this email.
As the seasons go by, and as you experience the feelings of sadness and disappointment that you’re experiencing now, and as you begin to get a clearer and clearer sense of the finite-ness (not sure if that’s a word) of your career, your sense of urgency will grow exponentially. That’s why seniors often play with such care and passion. It’s why aging superstars are willing to take less money and less playing time to get on a team that has a chance to win a championship. You begin to realize what matters and what doesn’t, and you begin to sense how precious an opportunity it is to get to be an athlete who’s playing for something that matters with people who matter to you.
So my point is…everything you’re feeling right now is appropriate and even good. Don’t resist it. Be sad. Be disappointed…Until you’re not anymore (and it will go away, I promise). And then, you will do what every great athlete and every great hero does…you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, dream your next dream, and you’ll go at it again…even though you know the risk and how much it will hurt when it’s over. But really, that’s the only way to fly in my opinion. Way more fun, exciting, meaningful, and fulfilling than living a life where you play small and never put your heart on the line for anything that matters to you.
And one last thing…while winning a championship *would* feel really sweet and could be incredibly rewarding, the truth is that even THAT feeling will pass after a few weeks or even days. And then you would STILL have to feel the sadness and disappointment of not playing with some of your teammates again and of not ever having this particular team together again. So don’t fall into the trap of believing that winning a championship will make you not have to feel the pain of the ending of something you love. Granted, it would make it a lot easier and is the preferable way to end a season. But what’s *more* important is always that you gave your best in every moment, regardless of whether or not you were fortunate enough to be on the team that won the last game of the season.
Those are my quick thoughts. I’m really glad you decided to write me. You’re doing big things, even though you may be feeling like you came up short this season. These are important conversations and important life moments, and it’s an honor to get to share them with you.
Stay in touch,
Dena
Welcome To Keys To The Gym 
Pingback: 3pt Roundup March 10th « 3pt Academy
There is so much to unpack in this article from Dena. It captures much of the stuff about her that has had the greatest impact on me both on and off the court. Dena wrote, “You begin to realize what matters and what doesn’t.” And I’m curious what coaches and athletes think matters the most. What is the stuff that keeps you coming back day after day and year after year?
What keeps me coming back is knowing there is so much more I can learn about this game and about myself. And not just as a player but as a person. Coach Dena hit it straight on, once I learned how to ignor petty problems my game and maturity evolved! I started going into games and life situations 20x more confident. I began to defeat my competition just by being mentally tougher! You know how in religion theysay the church is in the person not the building, well that’s basketball for me! I don’t have to be in the gym to be “in the gym” and I’m learning more about that everyday. All my life lessons I’ve learned from basketball, When I’m “in the gym” all my problems go away! Life is an oasis! So that’s why I come back day after day, year after year!
Hi Jasmine, I love how you articulated all of this. Thank you. The concept of “being in the gym” is indeed something way bigger than just being in a gym to average people if you can tap into it as such. I enjoyed readying your post, thanks again!
Thaks for inviting me to weigh in. This is outstanding. Coaches are so important in helping with the process after a tough loss. Be a resilient figure so your players can learn resilience. It is not easy, especially when you as a coach are hurting as much as the players. I recently posted an article about this called, “The Last Postgame Speech” at http://coachczes.com/index.php/march-madness-2012
Hi Coach Czes, Thanks for jumping into our conversation. And thank you for you added insight to the experience from both the coach’s and player’s perspective. I’ll check out your article. Thanks!
Dena’s idea of “grieving” over a season is fascinating. I know I am not over my season that ended in early February and won’t be for quite some time. Coach Czes’ point of being a resilient leader rings true for me and is something I’m working on.
What motivates me are kids who want back in the gym every day. It keeps me focused on making sure I am doing everything I can to help them stay committed, develop a passion, and enjoy basketball as much as I do.
Hi Alyssa, thanks for chiming in. I can really related to being motivated and inspired by people. Anything in isolation is pales in comparison to things shared both on and off the court. I think it is a maturity thing too, I didn’t always feel this way but I have learned the value of it and enjoyed it too. Thank you again Alyssa!
I always found it really hard when my seasons came to an end. How long should I ‘grieve’ about the season? How quickly should I move on to my off-season training?
I found Dena’s article to be really insightful. I only wish I had it available to me as a player through my high school and college career.
— Mano Watsa
Hi Mano, Great to have you on KTTG with all these great PGC Basketball minds! I too hope all the powerful stuff that Dick, Dena, and PGC Basketball can get to as many young players as possible. Thanks for chiming in! I’d love to hear what other have to say about moving on to off season once the season is completed. From a periodization perspective 6-8 weeks of non-training with consistent light recreational activity has been found to be crucial long term athletic development, but this idea rarely makes it out of the exercise science labs and off paper. I’d love to hear what kind of timing you all think is best, what’s worked or hasn’t worked.
I usually like to give my kids at least a minimum of 4-6 weeks away from anything organized or required on the court, usually coordinated with spring break. But will start some strength and conditioning work pretty quick after the season.
Hi Alan, thanks for throwing the number out there. It’s nice to have some tangibles for people to compare with. I think strength and conditioning can be a great break from the long grind of the season, however, I do think coaches should be conscious about keeping it fun and fresh too. Doing the same conditioning over and over is a great way to burn out your athletes. Using games for conditioning on the other can really bring athletes to life and help them reconnect with the joy of playing that made love sports when they were little. I have used stuff like crab soccer and wheel barrow races to mix up conditioning and seen athletes really thrive. It should still be metabolically targeted (10s-90s bursts) but running 300 yard shuttles all summer is brutal. What kind of stuff do yall do Alan? Thanks again!
I agree with Mano that I could have benefitted from these words as a player. I would have spent more time reflecting on the past season. As it was, the day my season ended I was in the gym playing with anyone who would play, old men at lunch ball, middle school girls, it didn’t matter. My perspective was always next. The dissatisfaction of any and all seasons drove me to be better the next. I have found that the hatred of losing more thanthe desire to win is what drives most great winners. So I would say, you are dissatisfied now? Good. Dwell on that Now and let it drive you. When you look back on the memories years down the road when your youth and opportunity to be a part of a special team are gone. You will cherish those memories as a valuable part of the journey. I believe most valuable reflection comes with distance, both time and space. Learn grow change.
Thank you Tyler, so glad to see you here on KTTG!
First of all great insight from Dena as always. I wish every coach and player in the world would have a chance to read it.
Tyler I agree with you 100% that losing is a great motivator. As a coach I know the sting of losing last longer and goes to greater depths than the joy of winning. I have heard that from many other coaches and athletes as well.
Jasmine I love your analogy of comparing life to being “in the gym”. It did not take me long to understand in my association with PGC that what was being taught was much more then being in the gym. The lessons that Dick, Dena and all the directors at PGC teach go way beyond the gym not only for the athletes but for all the staff, observing coaches, and even the people at the session sites who come in contact with the staff and athletes are affected by those lessons.
Mano I absolutely agree that if I knew as a player what I know now being associated with PGC, well I don’t even want to think about it. That is why this website is so awesome in that it brings some of that information to so many. Keep up the great work Emily!!
Hi Coach Jimmy J! Thank you for your thoughtful contributions here. I know everyone will enjoy all that you have shared. I think another good item for conversation that you and Tyler touched on is the notion that losing hurts more than winning feels good. It’s definitely common, but, it reminds me of another quote Dena once shared from Abraham Lincoln that if we amplified our successes as we did our failures, we’d feel much better about ourselves. Its a tricky balance, a healthy and realistic sadness in loses (things that don’t go how we want in general) paired with cheerful and resilient spirit that doesn’t sweat the small stuff and knows what matters most is not winning and losing. Again, I love this conversation! Thanks for everyone’s chiming in! Hope to hear more!
Thanks for that reminder Emily definitely something I will work on in the off season and do a better job of next season.